5 Reasons Mongolia Should Build a Jurassic World Theme Park

“Jurassic World” has grossed over $1 billion globally! With this summer blockbuster of the year reviving a childhood classic of the millennials and Gen Y-ers alike, the Internet feels the Dinomania resurfacing. Yet this is one of the many goldmines that Mongolia, the country of great potential, should have seized, but lost. So, if it’s not too late, we at SoWhyMongolia are counting down the 5 reasons Mongolia could benefit from this great franchise by building the fictional theme park. But before you read on, a mild spoiler alert. You’ve been warned.

1. Get Revenge for Stolen Fossils

There must have been a time when all the dinosaurs had a huge party or a terrible war in what is now Mongolia, because we have lots of dino bones. Fossils of these giant lizards fighting, getting it on, and even playing poker get unearthed every day (we made up the last one). Unfortunately, bandits and looters have been smuggling most of them for an almost equally long time. Take the latest example of Tarbosaurus bataar, or T-bataar as it’s affectionately known to Mongolians, which was smuggled by the douche-turd Eric Prokopi, who actively opposed the re-appropriation, stating he stole it in collusion with the government officials, so it’s okay. Prokopi had also sold a skull of another T-bataar to Nicolas Cage for $276,000 in 2007, and needless to say, we know where Cage’s career went after 2007.

OwenBehindSHUTIS
Owen Grady scrutinizing the scene where Prokopi was eaten, with his pet baby raptor.

If you’re not mad about that, check out this anonymous British man who brought eight cratefuls of fossils from Flaming Cliffs and justified himself by saying, “Don’t worry. They are all over the place down there, as plentiful as cow shit!” He then proceeded to give away the 45-million-year-old fossilized bones to his friends during a party. We think he also killed a puppy and urinated on it.

So, it’s time to get revenge and build a live dinosaur theme park.

2. The Steppes Are Better Than the Islands

There have been four films in the “Jurassic Park” franchise, all set in Central American islands, and all invariably end up getting trashed by the out-of-control dinosaurs. Well, here’s an idea, Mr. Hammond (or any other real eccentric millionaires). Build a cloned dinosaur theme park in Mongolia. (We propose Dundgobi Province, because we don’t know anybody who has a family there.) Why? In the worst case scenario, the escaped dinosaurs have nowhere to go. To the north is Siberia, where they’ll become popsicles by August. To the south is the Gobi, where there’s too many bones of their kind, which should spook them. (If it doesn’t, China would have to upgrade their Great Wall). To the west is the Altai Mountains, cold and monstrously tall. To the east is … North Korea. So, yeah. With nowhere to escape.

raptors camels 2
Pretty sure camels can overcome raptors with their breath and attitude.

Unlike in the film, the dry surroundings of the theme park in Mongolia would make an escaped Mosasaurus look like a goldfish out of its tank. The dinosaurs can run all they want, but the country is so vast, they’ll just end up exhausted somewhere until a Mongolian herder shoots it down for the meat. Speaking of herders, Chris Pratt raptor-whispering? Brother, please. Our herders routinely tame stallions, camels, yaks, and large mining machinery. Plus, if the herders operated the theme park, they wouldn’t have any agenda, such as smuggling them out of the country, as long as you get it through to them that you can’t milk the creatures. Yes, in a Mongolian Jurassic theme park, the dinosaurs can live in the park peacefully, because we have …

3. Too Many Goats = Ample Fodder for Dinosaurs

You might remember this famous scene from “Jurassic Park”. This is when the main boss T-Rex breaks out of the enclosure. See the problem here? That’s right–there’s only one goat! How’s a giant dinosaur the size of a two long school buses stacked on top of each other supposed to be satiated with one small goat! No wonder T-Rex was breaking out, the staffers were subjugating him to the Atkins diet.  And that’s a problem we can solve.

Whoever rationed this is the real villain of this movie.
Whoever rationed this is the real villain of this movie.

Back before Minegolia became a thing and people realized that a country existed between Russia and China, our main export was cashmere–raw wool to be exact. Herders who want to make money have been breeding many goats for the wool, and goats being the greedy grass munchers who eat roots as well, have been contributing to desertification. Yes, we have too many goats. Seriously, it’s ruining our pastureland. So, if there’s a theme park with cool creatures revived from millions of years ago needing consistent sustenance, we’d gladly arrange a supplier deal, is what we’re saying.

4. The Original Franchise Gave Us Its Blessing

Here’s what late author Michael Crichton, the genius behind “Jurassic Park” and pretty much every other decent sci-fi thriller films in the 1990s, had to say about Mongolia in The Lost World, sequel to his novel Jurassic Park.

“Where’d you come from?” Guitierrez asked him.

“Mongolia,” Levine said. “I was at the Flaming Cliffs, in the Gobi Desert, three hours out of Ulan Bator.”

“Oh? What’s there?”

“John Roxton’s got a dig. He found an incomplete skeleton he thought might be a new species of Velociraptor, and wanted me to have a look.”

“And?”

Levine shrugged. “Roxton never really did know anatomy, He’s an enthusiastic fund-raiser, but if he actually uncovers something, he’s incompetent to proceed.”

“You told him that?”

“Why not? It’s the truth.”

“And the skeleton?”

“The skeleton wasn’t a raptor at all,” Levine said. “Metatarsals all wrong, pubis too ventral, ischium lacking a proper obturator, and the long bones much too light. As for the skull….” He rolled his eyes. “The palatal’s too thick, antorbital fenestrae too rostral, distal carida too small – oh, it goes on and on. And the trenchant ungual’s hardly present. So there we are. I don’t know what Roxton could have been thinking. I suspect he actually has a subspecies of Stenonychosaurus, though I haven’t decided for sure.”

Let’s have a closer look. Crichton inferred this dim-witted character of Roxton had actually found a Stenonychosaurus. If you’ve been following the weird science theories like we have, there’s been one in 1982 that said if there was no meteor and dinos lived on, the Stenonychosauruses, being the most cunning and intelligent, would have evolved into humanoids!

I now pronounce you husband and wife.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Crichton, who wrote The Lost World in 2005, must have been aware of this theory, and that the initial purpose of Roy Chapman Andrews’ visit to Mongolia was to find early ancestors of humans and other mammals. (He ended up discovering the first dinosaur eggs in the world.)  Mash these thoughts together, and you could consider this Crichton’s “wink” to Mongolia as the cradle of dino-paleontology and a potential setting for his sequels.

5. Indominus Rex was Based on our Homeboy

If you watched “Jurassic World”, the bete noire of this film is this hybrid creature made from DNA collections of cuttlefish, snake, T-rex, and velociraptor, called Indominus Rex or iRex. (We’ll wait for you to patent the genome, Apple.) But according to famed paleontologist and turn-chicken-into-dinosaur mad scientist Jack Horner, who was the scientific advisor to Jurassic World, iRex was based on Therezinosaurus, or the 12 m dino-version of Edward Scissorhands, which was first famously discovered in Mongolia. When BBC made Walking with Dinosaurs Special: The Giant Claw, a tribute to the Therezinosaurus, the whole setting was in Mongolia.

t-bataarvstherezinosaurus
“T-Bataar, buddy. How about a hug?”

Although discovered in 1948 in Nemegt Valley of Umnugobi, Therezinosaurus is almost virtually unknown in Mongolia. This is because due to a lack of proper space, its bones were never fully assembled, (12 meters, remember?) and all our fossils have been rented out to Japan and Europe for long-term exhibitions. Despite our recent efforts to build a Central Museum of Mongolian Dinosaurs, the fund quickly dried up and the museum’s exhibitions have become a traveling circus. So, we need a new dinosaur attraction. And a theme park would be even better than a museum. To top it off, our Indominus Rex will be mixture of different cool animals.

Mondominus rex
Not Another Shitty Sequel

“Jurassic World” is screening at Urgoo, Tengis and Hunnu every day. But Hunnu Mall also has a traveling dinosaur museum between 10:00 and 20:30, so you can get the full experience. It’s only 1,500 MNT for children and 3,000 MNT for adults.

 

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mm About Natso Baatarkhuu
Natso Baatarkhuu lives in Mongolia and writes in English. His works have appeared in Cracked.com and The UB Post, and he started this website. He dreams of publishing novels and selling screenplays someday.

mm

Natso Baatarkhuu

Natso Baatarkhuu lives in Mongolia and writes in English. His works have appeared in Cracked.com and The UB Post, and he started this website. He dreams of publishing novels and selling screenplays someday.

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